Pealing off the mask

I know it's been a while since I posted last but there's a good reason and not just that I've been too busy. Not too long after I posted I was Confronted with the bitter realization that I had a more serious sickness than what I had thought.

I don't know really how much to say here but I do want to make myself vulnerable in order that I will be accountable and truthful even if it's painful to be this exposed.

June 12 I discovered I have been suffering with Bolimia Nervosa. It's an after effect of Lyme's and Anorexia. I never thought I would be "one of those people" that struggled with such things. This very reason is why I kept it hidden for so long from so many. I didn't want to be thought of as messed up in the head or a glutton or any of the other connotations that may come with this. It's been over a year and the further and further I went without facing it the more and more trapped I became by the lies that my imaginary "perfect me" was going to one day win. When it didn't win, I hated myself. Everyday I'd tell myself "I will be perfect today, no binging, no purging". Everyday I'd go to bed felling like a complete looser. I wanted God to help me but on my terms. He says Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16

Hiding never heals! That has been the biggest battle and the sweetest taste of victory I have known. The more I tell those I love what is going on, the more love I know from them and from my Savior. He has given me victory and it is taking me a while to realize that as I still fail the test some days but I know that my hope is not in a false image of who I want me to be but I have a promise from my loving Creator that He has made the perfect me for right now and every time I hide I battle.

Please pray that God will continue to remind me in every moment that I am free and I am loved right now just as much as I could ever be.

My husband has been the most supportive and caring, patient person I have ever known, and if for no other reason I want to be better for him.

I hope to one day use this experience to help other young girls who struggle with these issues and let them know there's acceptance in the Father and so many people around them.

Trusting and thanking you for understanding.

Feeding the soul,

Natalie